It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
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I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life