Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
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Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?