[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
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[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking