me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
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Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.