“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
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Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection