PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
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Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??