@samalmightysam

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

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@SamGrittner

“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”

@o__0Dev

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!

@lmwortho

What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.

@VocabuLarry

Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.

@sixfootcandy

[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.

@leyawn

i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life

@LibelousLurker

My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.

@anbrll00

Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.