PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
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If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
Sir, please leave.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.