A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
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I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.