Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
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Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.