me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
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Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
get you a girl who
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”