41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
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The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.