Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
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how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
December birthdays be like…
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
me irl
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears