it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
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waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack