My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
![]()
You Might Also Like
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
![]()
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”