Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
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When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.