[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
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Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.