My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
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What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.