Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
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“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Wait for it
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
You better watch out
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.