I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
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Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
my first dose meeting my second
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.