I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
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[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?