“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
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There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
She puts the hot in psychotic
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.