I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
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My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.