Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
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“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Hotels are back
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
I am having an out of money experience.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”