Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
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The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
The sacred texts.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Sharon, call the vet
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.