At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
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“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.