ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
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PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool