Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
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Imma just leave this here…………
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Need this in my life lol
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead