Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
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Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?