My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
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“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”