This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
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Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO