My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
You Might Also Like
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.