ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
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[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.