[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
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Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
thank god the sign was there
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
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I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
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Expectations vs. Reality