Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
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“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works