“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
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Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.