If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
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My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.