If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.

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She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.


Kids: you burned the popcorn

Me: you gave me stretch marks

Being a mom is easy


[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.



date: this chicken is a little dry

me: I think my burger‘s undercooked

waiter: how is everything

me: it’s great

date: so good


Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?

Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.


Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?


Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan


I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.


I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.


One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.