@AnitaHelmet

If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.

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@nevernicethings

She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.

@OkieGirl405

Kids: you burned the popcorn

Me: you gave me stretch marks

Being a mom is easy

@bingowings14

[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.

@_elvishpresley_

[restaurant]

date: this chicken is a little dry

me: I think my burger‘s undercooked

waiter: how is everything

me: it’s great

date: so good

@wakeupangry

Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?

Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.

@twayne1010

Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?

@SteveSuckington

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan

@JimmerThatisAll

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.

@AndreyasAsylum

I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.

@JanuaryJames

One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.