An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
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we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.