[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
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A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat