You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
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If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves