WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
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honestly, i need both:
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits