why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
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“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
A man of commitment.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid