Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
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*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little