Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
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me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
I’ll be mad as hell!
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?