Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
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ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit