Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
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Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.