our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
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If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.