Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
You Might Also Like
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
They’re called werewolves.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house