You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
You Might Also Like
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up