I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
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(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
#polloftheday
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!