The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
You Might Also Like
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.