The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
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The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
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honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Somebody call the cops.
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“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.