The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
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How wrong was this guy?
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Care for your back
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.