I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
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Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.